Thursday, May 31, 2018

Bunyon the Onion Boy At It Again!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

November Is a Good Time To Do a Little Sexual Housecleaning

And task number 1 on your list should be to dust your parts.  And number 2 should be to mop where necessary.  And, of course, vacuum where needed.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Time for Mourning is Over - The Zags are in the Final Four!

And isn't that nice?  And after nearly five months of almost bone-crushing political angst, we're back.

Screw you, Trump - life goes on.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

I Remember Telling My First Girlfriend That She Reminded Me of a Flour. I Could Tell by Her Smile and the Look in Her Eyes That I Had Touched Her Heart. Unfortunately, For Both of Us, I Continued On With the Analogy ….

Not just any flour, I said, but a coarsely milled sorghum flour with strong hints of ragweed and barnyard, and with plenty of fiber.  Lots and lots of fiber. 


Her smile slowly faded.  As did our relationship soon thereafter.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Let's Get Real For a Moment. Most Women Don't Need a Breast Brush. But For Those That Do, a Leading Consumer Research Organization Recommends the Binford 5,000 As a Best Buy.

Among the top features noted were near-total portability, appropriately spaced tines, the ability to sync with nearly all Bluetooth devices, and a special setting for a "Curley-cue" function. I'm uncertain about just what that last feature is exactly, but I figure they must know what they're talking about

Monday, June 20, 2016

Aunt Mary Lou’s Scrotal Jelly – Soothes Sunburn Pain on Contact!


“It can be a godsend during these warm summer months!”


(Aunt Mary Lou’s Scrotal Jelly Applicator sold separately.)

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Many Theoretical Physicists Believe Our Universe Was Created as a Result of Quantum Fluctuations - Or as I Like to Call Them, Quantum Flucks


Some like to use the term “quantum flux.”  But to me, that’s just so … pedestrian.  “Quantum flucks” – now that’s something I feel I can get my arms around.  Just like these cute little ducklings, or as I like to call them, “flucks.”  When I see a gaggle of little flucks like this, as I often do this time of year being fortunate to live on a lake, I always think about the bigger picture.  The much bigger picture.  Bless those flucks!

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Cod Is Great and Cod Is Good

So we went to a popular fish and chips place tonight and when the waitress brought the food the fish looked really unusually good, so I asked “what kind of fish is that,” and she said “cod.”  And so I smiled warmly and said:

Cod is great and cod is good
And we thank you for our food.
By your hand we all are fed
And Have you met my brother Ed?

Well no, this didn’t actually happen for real, but it did happen – and exactly this way – in my mind and that’s almost as good.


(Btw, if you never said grace growing up this probably is meaningless for you.  But that’s okay, don’t worry your pretty little head about it.)

Friday, March 11, 2016

While Vulva and I Were Vacationing In LaJolla This Past Week, We Met the Most Delightful Family – the Schwabenheffers: Tickles, Smiles, Giggles and Fartz

And oh that Fartz, he’s a firecracker!  He makes a point of telling everyone that his name ends in a “z” and not an “s”.  It’s like “Fritz” he says, except it’s Fartz.  Fritz rhymes with peach pits, he explains, but Fartz rhymes with peach parts.  So if you forget my name, just think of peach parts.  Okay then, I guess that’s pretty easy to remember.


And yes, our mini vacation was very nice, thank you for asking.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Looking For a Cool New Mormon Treat? How ‘Bout Brigham Pops?

Sounds pretty good, right?  Only problem, there’s no such thing.  Yet.  But this is a huge opening for somebody.  Come on America, somebody whip up some Brigham Pops tonight!

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Donald Trump Drops Out of Tonight’s Scheduled Debate, Leveling Bizarre New Charge Against Fox News Host Megyn Kelly


As he did after the Republican’s first debate, Donald Trump questioned Fox News’ Megyn Kelly’s journalistic professionalism.  But this time he added a bizarre new charge: “in that type of environment she’s been known to pull her vagina out from under her skirt and start squirting people.   Everyone within twenty feet gets soaked.  That’s not what I call a professional journalist, okay?”  Well if true, I supposed that would be a legitimate reason to refrain from participating in the debate. But color me dubious.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Widely Admired and Respected Pundit Calls Donald Trump a “Pompous Buffoon”


If you ask me, I think Donald Trump is a pompous buffoon.  He’s many other things, of course, but pompous buffoon rather succinctly, I think, captures the essence of the man.



Interestingly, the word “buffoon” comes from the middle French “bouffon,” meaning “stupid fucking buffalo (particularly a pompous one).”



If I may offer a suggestion:  I think people who share this view should start attending his rallies and appearances sporting balloons – the more balloons the merrier – to be referred to as “buffoon balloons.”  Just something to think about.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Recounting an E-Mail Exchange

I rather liked this email exchange from last night, so thought I'd share (and oh yes, it was an actual email exchange).

I was talking on the phone last night to someone.  I don't want to reveal that person's identity, but for simplicity's sake let's call him President Obama.  I mentioned that I had made chili for dinner that night.  The President was interested in what recipe I used, and so I told him and he then asked if I could email it to him.  I said sure.  So that's what I did.  Instead of re-typing it I just scanned the typed copy I had and included that as an attachment in the email I sent.  I also mentioned that I followed the recipe pretty much exactly, with two exceptions, and I told him what they were.  An hour or so went by and I started thinking, "wait a minute ... there's a couple of other changes I make to that recipe."  So I emailed the President back as follows:

Subject:  This is Gnawing At Me

When I sent you the chili recipe, I said I do it exactly like it says except for two things.  But I’ve since thought of two other things: 1) I always use less salt than a recipe calls for; at least half if not a quarter, and most importantly 2) the recipe calls for a whole can of stewed tomatoes.   Fuck that!  Stewed tomatoes look like a collection of human testicles and/or ovaries freshly removed from the human body, and I just won’t have that in my chili.  I won’t!  So I use two 15 oz cans of Hunt’s Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes instead.  Gives it the same  flavor without testicles or ovaries.  That’s something I can feel good about.

The President got back to me shortly thereafter:

I already placed an amazon fresh order for stuff to make the chili, and I had no desire to mess with canned gonads either, so I already made the diced substitution!

And that's it ladies and gentlemen.  Have a pleasant day.

Friday, November 6, 2015

For God’s Sake, If You Must Be a Nail Biter Please Limit Yourself To Your Own Nails!

It is so distracting, and yes unpleasant, to be sitting at a restaurant visiting with friends and with Vulva, and have someone come up and start biting my nails.  Stop that!

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Not Only Is My Aunt Lonna a Llama, She's Also a Wonderful Seamstress!

I often think of her when I buy a new garment and see the tag on the inside of the neck that says "Made by Llamas."

I'm going to write a note to myself right now to remember to stop in and say hello to her the very next time I visit the local Children's Petting Zoo.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

I Know This Is Awfully Last Minute, But I'm Thinking We Should Proclaim Tomorrow, August 14, 2015, National "Call Your Boss Gumbo Day"

Male or female, it doesn't make any difference.  "Hey Gumbo, how's it hanging?"  Or whatever greeting you choose to use.  It's bound to be charming, because that's the power of "Gumbo." 

And let's make it an annual event.  I like this.  I like it a lot.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Men’s Scrotums To Get A Bright, Fresh Makeover Beginning Next Spring

At least that’s the word on the fashion street.  Or at least that’s what I imagine to be the word on the fashion street.

A little wrinkle reduction, some nippin’ and tuckin’ and re-balancing,  and some subtle but “kicky” new spring colors are on the fashion horizon.  Should be interesting.  Play ball!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The State of America’s Pickles


You know, I think it’s actually pretty good.  I ain’t got no real complaints.

What’s notable about this is that I’ve always had a God-given gift to be able to find something to bitch about in just about any situation.  But not here.  I mean, look around.  You got your Vlasic’s, your Claussen’s, and your Farman’s, you got your dills and your sweets.  What’s not to like?

I think we can all take comfort in knowing that the state of America’s pickles is strong.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Is Rock Star Bono’s Name Short For Bonobo? And If So, Why Did He Choose To Go By Bono Rather Than Nobo?


These are questions I for one would like to have answers to.  Because, well, things might have turned out very different if Nobo had won out.  Summers would likely have been cooler for one thing.

 

[Yes, yes, I know that there’s another musician/DJ who goes by the stage name of Bonobo.  But I didn’t know that when I had the original inspiration for this post, an inspiration that was many years in development.  And I didn’t want that pesky discovery to put the kibosh on this brilliant post.  Plus, the question could just as easily apply to Mr. Bonobo – why not Mr. Nobo?]

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Surely I Can’t Be the Only One Who Puts Out a Stylish Powder Box on the Counter in My Guest Bathroom With a Nicely Printed Note Saying “Complimentary Powder For Our Guest’s Nether Regions”


Or can I?  I have noticed some rather interesting looks on the faces of people coming out of that bathroom.  At first I thought it was just the contented look of someone who had been freshly powdered up, but now I’m not so sure.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Growing Up As a Child, “Buttered Loins” Wasn’t Something We Ate For Dinner – Rather, It Was the Way We Dressed For Dinner


Not every night of course, oh heavens no.  Mostly for special occasions like when Aunt Linda was visiting from Spokane.

It’s a tradition I haven’t kept up with as I’m gotten older.  Vulva thought it odd.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Dear Abby . . .


One thing I like to do, I guess you could almost call it my passion, is to do what I call “sing Frenchie.”  This involves singing what sound like French-sounding words (some of them may actually be!) to an old-fashioned Frenchie-sounding melody.  It comes out, I think, sounding very pleasant, like something you could have heard in a Paris nightclub back in the late 1940’s or 50’s.  But to put my individual spin on it, usually at about the 10 or 15 second mark, I substitute a “farting” noise for one of the words.  And then as the song progresses, I add more and more farting noises, to the point where sometimes there are more farting noises than words!

My girlfriend, I’ll call her “Vulva,” is apparently tiring of my newfound passion.  She says it’s insulting to the French people, and worse, it’s not funny.  Well it may be a little insulting, but not really ‘cause it’s all in good fun; heck, I like Frenchies and there’s absolutely no disrespect intended!  But to say it’s not funny, well that’s just ridiculous!  Of course it’s funny.  It’s hilarious!

Abby, I feel hurt by Vulva’s attitude.  What do you think?

Duncan

* * * * *

Dear Duncan . . .

I think Vulva’s a lucky woman to have someone as creative, entertaining, and amusing as you seem to be.  Clearly, “singing Frenchie” is something most people would find amusing, if not, as you say, downright hilarious.  As long as you confine engaging in this passion to your own home, plus no more than perhaps a few select public places, I see no downside whatsoever.  You may want to consult with Vulva’s doctor about this, or perhaps you could suggest professional help for her – you may want to look in your local phone book under “Counseling -Humor.”  Or just simply show her this column.
 
Abby

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Salmon Were Making My Life Miserable . . .


. . . until I told Vulva, “no more salmon in bed!”  And voila, problem solved!

 In hindsight, I suppose, the solution should have been obvious.  But that’s the beauty of hindsight, eh?

* * * * *

Okay, okay, full disclosure . . . it wasn’t quite as cut and dried as this.  It was actually a two-step process.  Initially what I told Vulva was, “no more salmon on my side of the bed!”  And that worked pretty well, but a few would still wiggle over from her side.  Finally after a few days I decided to, as the Bible says, “grow a pair,” and that’s when I told her “no more salmon, period.”  And it worked like a charm!  Thank you, Jesus.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Some of the Sexiest Women I’ve Ever Known Didn’t Have “Traditional” Heads


This, of course, isn’t true.  The sentence, complete with quotation marks, just popped into my head one day and it made me chortle.  Yep, that’s how it went down.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Unconfirmed Reports Are Being Received That Mormon Thugs Are Going Door To Door Terrorizing Residents In Their Own Homes!


I have to stress that these are unconfirmed reports.  We simply don’t know all the details yet.  Among the very few details that are available are that the thugs appear to be well dressed and typically travel in pairs as they go up to the front door of an unsuspecting citizen’s house.  More information will be provided as or if it becomes available.  For the time being, the best advice is to stay calm.

UPDATE: Apparently there’s only been a single report, and that came from someone who smelled heavily of alcohol.  Ironically, that “someone” turned out to be my cousin, Dewey Funk.  (Dewey Funk?  We sure do!) In light of this development, the veracity of the story is becoming increasingly questionable.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

No Listing of the Greatest Inventions of All Time Would Be Complete Without “The Penis”


I think this is a marvelous conversation starter, whether it be in a work or social setting.  Try it yourself and see!

Friday, August 15, 2014

Go Ahead and Continue to Call It Your “Yodelin’-Hole” If You Must, Young Lady, But That’s Not the Proper Anatomical Term


I find your term of choice to be completely baffling, and can’t help but think that your continued use of it will only serve to confuse and confound both suitors and health care professionals.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Aye, She’ll Yink Yer Dinker: The Other Side of Eleanor Roosevelt


I’m not sure there’s a story to be told along these lines, but if there is, I could be the one to write it.

 * * * * *

Vulva and I went to see Steve Winwood in concert last weekend.  Bless his pea-pickin’.  Seriously.  I found this video of him doing a great acoustic version of one of his classics from the past, and coincidentally it’s our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title:  Can’tFind My Way Home
Artist: Steve Winwood

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Duncan, Oh Duncan, Wherefore Funk Thou?


This is the opening line of a little ditty I wrote way, way back in the very early days of this blog, more than five years ago.  It was an attempt to emulate The Bard himself, and if I do say so myself, it succeeded admirably and far beyond all reasonable expectations.  And it has clearly withstood the test of time, remaining as fresh and spritely and literary today as it did back in those olden days.  And so I humbly present it for your enjoyment again.
 
Duncan, oh Duncan, wherefore funk thou?
Thou Funkest in the meadow
With the lilies and the damsels
The damsels and the lilies
They all be Funked now

 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Duncan, Do You Think the Popularity of Rap Music Will Begin to Diminish As More and More Young People – Particularly Those in Our Larger Cities – Turn To Yodeling?

Hmmm, I’m a little outside my element here, but something about that doesn’t sound quite right.  So I’m going to go with “no, no I don’t think so.”  But, on the other hand, I suppose it's possible that as time goes on, rap may increasingly incorporate certain elements of that infectious yodeling zeal.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Monday, May 19, 2014

Most People I Talk To Give Diarrhea an Emphatic Thumbs Down. But There Are Always a Few …


It was very interesting doing the research for this post.  Over a few week period I selected about fifty people at random, and went up to them on the street, tapped them on the shoulder and said “excuse me, diarrhea, thumbs up or thumbs down?”  Oh, the looks I got!  Most immediately gave me the thumbs down sign.  A few asked “why do you want to know?”  Well I certainly didn’t want to give away who I was, so I told a little white lie;  I said I was a song writer and I was doing research for a new song.  They asked what the song was about, and once again, I of course didn’t want to give too much information so I just winked at them and gave them my famous shy, knowing smile.  Feeling reassured, they’d usually then say “thumbs down.”  And I’d say, “no, I’m sorry – you have to show me,” and then I’d demonstrate the thumbs up or thumbs down sign.  Most would then give me the thumbs down sign I expected.  But a few gave the thumbs up sign, but interestingly, most of those that did used a different finger than the thumb, and then they’d walk away.

Social Science research is never easy.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Who Eschews Shoes? Do Jews Eschew Shoes?


Please, one question at a time!  I know that Winnie the Pooh eschews shoes.  As far as whether Jews eschew shoes, I would guess few Jews eschew shoes.

But I could be wrong.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Little Barb Arbuckle Tires of the Name “Little Barb” – From Now On Wants To Be Called Rhubarb Arbuckle


The person formerly known as Little Barb says she’s just getting too old to have “Little” be a part of her name.  And she’s more than a little tired of feeling like she’s always standing in her mother’s shadow; being that her mom is named Barb.  As for the name “Rhubarb,” she says that’s a natural.  It’s her favorite vegetable; although she’ll quickly (and repeatedly) tell you that it’s often mistakenly referred to as a fruit.  But even more importantly, it’s the name of what she says is the “adorable mascot” of her favorite minor league baseball team, the Tacoma Rainiers.  (And as an editorial aside, I’ve always thought there was more than a passing resemblance between the two.)  So, from here on out, Rhubarb Arbuckle it is.  You go girl!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Did You Know? … Prime Waterfront Rhymes With Prime Daughterfront!


Something to keep in mind when you’re looking for that special waterfront property at PrimeWaterfront.com, or perhaps a special daughter at PrimeDaughterfront.com.

 A special shout out to Mr. Jeepers for this one!

 * * * * *

We’ve received countless inquiries from all of you wondering what the hell happened to Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.  Well … it didn’t seem like there was one worthy, until now.

Artist:  Blind Pilot

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Poultry Awards Are Going To Be Announced Next Week. But After Last Year, I’m Not Holding My Breath


There’s any number of categories I would have expected to be recognized in: Rooster Fixin’, Hen Pokin’, Poetry (Roosters a’ crowing, hens a’ cacklin’, don’t mind paintin’ but I don’t like spacklin’.)  And then there’s the most obvious, Gobblin’.  I’m not just a good gobbler, I’m a great gobbler … hell, I’m a frickin’ world class gobbler.  But my name wasn’t called last year. 

Yeah, I’m bitter.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Those Of a Certain Advanced Age May Fondly Remember the Adventures Of a Heroic Dog Named Rin Tin Tin. Now Their Great Grandchildren Can Look Forward To the New Adventures of Rin’s Grand-Nephew, Cliff.


Coming this fall, The New Adventures of Cliff Tin Tin.  Sounds like wholesome family entertainment, no doubt. 

 In that same spirit, I have a few suggestions.  In an attempt to broaden the show’s appeal, perhaps the writers could introduce a love interest for Cliff … I think her name should be Booty.  Every week, Cliff and Booty could perform inspirational acts of heroism, most public, but some, no doubt, private!  And if it all works out as I envision in my mind, towards the end of the first season, Booty may become known as Booty Tin Tin. … and maybe eventually, as America falls in love with her, Booty TT for short. 

This sounds almost perfect to me.  But I don’t really trust scriptwriters – they’d probably screw it up by naming Cliff’s love interest “Ethel” or something like that.  Ethel Tin Tin?  Ethel TT?  That just doesn’t grab me.  And I don’t think it’d grab America.