Pssst, Duncan, Hey Man, Wake Up … DUNCAN!

Hmmm? Whaaa? Whoa, I must’ve dozed off there. What time is it, anyway? 2012! Are you shitting me? Oh my stars and garters!

Hey, here’s an idea. While I wipe the sleep out of my eyes, let’s start out the new year with one of those high-quality repeats – everybody loves those! This is one I always rather liked, from way back in the earliest days. (It’s a quickie!)

How Foamy Is Too Foamy? [Originally Published 4-27-09]

Hold your arms out in front of you, with your palms facing each other, and hold ‘em about ten, twelve inches apart. No … a little more … little more. There. That’s too foamy.

* * * * *

God that was good! And here’s something else that’s good too, Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, a great feel-good song from what I think is one of the more under-appreciated and best-named groups from the sixties. A one and a two …

Title: Jug Band Music
Artist: Lovin’ Spoonful

Let’s Talk Bellingham Baseball (Got Anything Better to Do?)

Bellingham is a college town located in the northwestern corner of the State of Washington, which puts it smack dab in the middle of the northwestern corner of the continental United States of America. Many years ago it had a professional minor league baseball team, the Bellingham Mariners, affiliated, not surprisingly, with the Seattle Mariners. Its major claim to fame, almost certainly, was that it was the first professional baseball team for baseball legend Ken Griffey, Jr.

That team no longer exists. But fortunately for them the town still at least has a collegiate summer team; the Bellingham Bells. Here’s the point of all this. The Bellingham Mariners? The Bellingham Bells? No offense intended to anyone, but come on guys, you could do so much better with the goldmine you’ve got to work with. May I offer a few suggestions?

* The Bellingham ‘n Eggs

* The Bellingham Sandwiches

* The Bellingham Bones

* The Bellingham Hocks (or you could go with the “Hawks” if you insist on being a purist).

There you go, no charge. Go ‘n Eggs!

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Without further ado, here’s Wilco with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. (Okay, maybe just a little more ado … … a little more … … there, that’s enough.

Title: Jesus, Etc.
Artist: Wilco

Support For Gingrich Among Iowa Tea-Partiers Plummets As They Realize His Name in Pig Latin in Ingrich-GAY

Golden "Goldie" Tidbits, a staunch Iowa Republican and Newt Gingrich supporter who has spent her lunch hours the past two weeks standing at a busy Des Moines intersection holding a sign that says “Toot for Newt,” said she was personally devastated when the realization first struck her. “These aren’t the kind of values I support or want for America,” said Tidbits. She added sadly, “under the circumstances, there’s no way I can continue to toot for Newt.”

Sad, isn't it?

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Back for the second year in a row, here’s Tim Minchin with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. It’s a really great song for those who may be non-believers but still really like Christmas.

Title: White Wine in the Sun
Artist: Tim Minchin

Woman With Curly Vagina Wins Small Lotto Prize

Curly Vagina, who works down at the local Jiffy Lube, reports that a woman he was with correctly picked four of six numbers in Saturday’s Lotto drawing, winning $28. Vagina said the couple celebrated by going to Applebee’s and ordering a “Two for $20” dinner, complete with appetizer (they went with the onion rings … hey, that’s what I would have done too!).

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Here’s an old Pink Floyd classic for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Us and Them
Artist: Pink Floyd

An “Anatomically Correct” Mitt Romney Raises Eyebrows

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney raised eyebrows among some commentators when he became a bit snippy during a recent interview with a Fox News anchor. Romney, who appeared at least to this observer to be anatomically correct (to the extent that I could see him), seemed exasperated over a question about his seeming change of positions on health care, claiming that he had gone over that so many times previously.

There’s not really much of a story here, at least not that I’m particularly interested in commenting on. I just really like the title of this post. That’s all.

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They’re back again, the Swell Season that is, with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. How ‘bout that. (I thought he was gonna pop something there for a minute.)

Title: When Your Mind’s Made Up
Artist: The Swell Season

The Day Started With Unmistakable Sexual Overtones

A turgid sun rising in a humping sky. What the hell?

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Call your mom, call you sis, don't take time to take a leak. It's time for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Wagon Wheel
Artist: Old Creek Medicine Show

The Vibrant Panties of Spring Have Given Way to the Droopin’ Bloomers of Late Fall

It’s a gray, cold and wet day in the Pacific Northwest, and that’s the thought that made its way into my head today.

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I bet it’s been a while since you’ve listened to the New Riders of the Purple Sage, hasn’t it? I thought so. Well good news for you, since there here with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. Can I get an Amen?

Title: Panama Red
Artist: New Riders of the Purple Sage

First-Ever Recorded Incident of a Rhinoceros Thinking “WTF”

This photo appeared on MSNBC.com a couple of days ago with a story about a wildlife project in Africa that moves black rhinos from their native location to a more protected one that will help facilitate breeding and offer protection from poachers. The animals are blindfolded and sedated, and the helicopter ride lasts only about ten minutes; it is considered a gentler and less risky method of transport for the animals than previous methods.

I don’t know what, if anything, goes on in the mind of a rhinoceros. But if the sedation were to wear off prematurely, even a little bit, can you just imagine?

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The Frames have the high honor of being featured today on Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. A good ole’ fashioned Duncan Funk “well bless your pea-pickin hearts’” to them.

Title: Sad Songs
Artist: The Frames

Elves, Leprechauns and Fairies Upset Over Exclusion From Nation’s Motto

Continuing its total failure to make any progress on addressing the nation’s economic crisis, the Republican-controlled United States House of Representatives chose instead this week to spend its time reaffirming In God We Trust as the nation’s formal motto. According to a spokesperson, members of the Associated Brotherhood of Elves, Leprechauns and Fairies, who collectively like to think of themselves as “God’s Little Buddies,” are understandably peeved: not only at their exclusion from the motto, but also at Congress’s shameless pandering to narrow constituencies in an attempt to divert attention from their continuing inaction on far more pressing and substantive issues.

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Somehow, someway, I think it’s possible that Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day might fit in with this. But what the hell do I know.

Title: Spirit in the Sky
Artist: Norman Greenbaum

New Study Finds Up To Half of All Sex is Unnecessary

[Note: In today’s post, the role of Otto Fibbs is being played by Allen Schlemmel (rhymes with “pemmel”)]

A new study, conducted by yours truly, has found that up to half of all sex is unnecessary. How ‘bout that!

In all honesty, the study probably didn’t involve the same level of rigor as most of my social research, but it has been peer-reviewed and that’s important. Well, it’s kind of been peer reviewed. I let my neighbor Otto Fibbs take a look at and he said it looked pretty good to him. (Not that I really consider Otto to be a peer, mind you, but in this context, what they hell.)

Anyway, here’s what I did. I went to the mall and I asked a bunch of people this question: thinking back to the last time you had sex, was that really necessary? Now most people declined to participate in our survey, but of those that did, four said that it absolutely was necessary (with one person saying “oh God yes!"), and four said no way was it necessary. The ninth person, a woman probably in her late twenties, kept going back and forth. “Yes it was necessary, absolutely. … no, no, it really wasn’t, I was just trying to get back at my ex-boyfriend … well no, actually it was ‘cause I really needed affirmation … well no, I don’t know … maybe …” Finally after a couple of minutes of her back-and-forth I just politely said something like “oh for chrissakes” and I walked away. So that’s why I have to characterize our study results as “up to” half.

But it’s still pretty interesting, huh? Up to half. I’ll be darned.

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Whether your next time be necessary or not, you may want some accompaniment and what better than Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Unchained Melody
Artist: Righteous Brothers

The Gravy Stains On Her Breasts Said It All. This Woman Really Liked Her Turkey. Maybe Too Much.

And so begins our story, Greta Van Susteren, the Early Years.

That’s all I have so far, but I think it’s gonna be good. Really good.

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I saw Lindsey Buckingham in concert last night. I enjoyed the show. This is one of the songs from his new album that he played, and as often is the case in situations like this, it's Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Illumination
Artist: Lindsey Buckingham

Moody Blues to Re-Issue “Knights” in White Satin as a Medieval Homage (or Parody, or Ballad)?

Well, if they take my suggestion they will. Because that’s what I’m suggesting right here, right now, with this blog post. And as soon as I hear from them I’ll get crackin’ on writing up some lyrics. Here’s just a small taste of what I have in mind.

Knights in white satin
They’re knights to the end.
Their outfits are splendid,
With no need to mend.

I’ve also got some great ideas for some album artwork. I’m hoping to hear from them. I think the music world is ready for this. In fact, I think it’s more than ready.

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I found this really great solo harp version of this classic song on YouTube, and it’s Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Nights In White Satin (Harp Version)
Artist: Unknown

For the Past Few Months I've Been Working On a New Hot Dog Cheer

And I finally got it just right. At least I think it's just right. I hope you like it.

Hot dogs! Hot dogs!
Gooooo hot dogs.
All right! Yeah!
Hot dogs!

There's so many things I like about this. It's bright, it's cheery, and it absolutely oozes exuberance. But best of all, it totally stays on topic. There's no way you can get half way through it and forget what you're cheering. That's the mark of a really good cheer.

I give everybody express permission to use my cheer when ordering a hot dog, or critiquing a hot dog they've just eaten. And I give express permission for every high school or college yell squad to use this cheer whenever they want to give the opposing team "the business." And I strongly encourage it's commercial use, but to do so we'll have to enter into some kind of licensing agreement. If you're interested, have your people contact my people through the comments function of this blog.

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I'm still in California so you know what that means for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

My Organ of Choice Has Been Recalled

Gawwddd-dammit!

(And, I may have had a little too much wine.)

* * * * *

I know what you're thinking - you want Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. But I'm in California at the moment, and you know how the fuck they are.

Tasty Dill Biscuits Begin With a Great Dill Dough

Slowly but surely my culinary abilities are expanding. Being a Northwesterner, I like my salmon. And some time back I came across a great dill and lemon recipe that really brings out and complements the flavor of the salmon. Umm-unh.

I was making this last night, and I decided to make some biscuits too, ‘cause I also like my biscuits. And I had this great idea: why not sprinkle some of the dried dill weed right on to the biscuit dough? Voila! Dill dough!

Were they good? Huulllo, can you spell nummers?

* * * * *

For Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, we have an old, dare I say “under-appreciated”, Beatles song. But as a special treat we have two video versions; the first being the original song with lyrics, the second being a most entertaining version from the movie Across the Universe.

Title: Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite -- Original Version ** Across the Universe Version
Artist: The Beatles

No, I Do Not Tah for Utah

We’ve all heard it – in fact it seems like you can’t go anywhere these days without hearing it – some group or individual screaming out that cheer at the top of their lungs:

Utah
I Tah
We All Tah
For Utah

I for one have had just about enough If I see someone who even looks like they’re getting ready to assail me with it, I won’t give them the satisfaction – I head them off by saying, in my sternest voice possible, “no, I do not and I will not tah for Utah.” I’ve found that this quite effectively silences them as they typically just avert their gaze and walk away.

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Well judging from the video it looks like The Head and the Heart took a wrong turn on their way to the recording studio, but rather than use that as an excuse they just recorded their song there. I like that can-do spirit, and it’s why it’s Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Lost in My Mind
Artist: The Head and The Heart

Surprising Cold Snap Marks End of European Vacation

Well Vulva and I have now returned from our European vacation and – well bless your heart, thank you for asking – yes, we had a very nice time. We saw tons of beautiful scenery, quaint villages and ancient architecture. But of all the fascinating things we saw, at the top of the list I might have to put the view out the plane window as our flight path on our return trip took us smack dab over Greenland. And it appeared to be a beautiful day in Greenland, ladies and gentlemen, a most beautiful day. This was among the best photos we got, but even more impressive were vistas of huge glaciers that truly looked like massive rivers of ice, and enormous bays filled with icebergs. It was truly an alien-like landscape, unlike anything I’d ever seen before.

I won’t bore you with all the details of where we were, but here’s just a few quick snippets.

The most spectacular scenery had to be in the Alps – unfortunately only one of our three days in that area was sunny, but that one day was amazing. I’m guessing that if we had been lucky enough to see Innsbruck in that type of weather it would have seemed like a fairy-tale place.

The “neatest” place we went that I had never heard of before – and I mean that sincerely – was Brugge in Belgium (pronounced like Broozzhh). I give it a “Double-Duncan.”

The worst driver nightmare ever was in Basel Switzerland where we managed, after apparently taking a few wrong turns when not understanding the traffic signs, to find ourselves in the middle of a huge pedestrian plaza with no idea how to get the hell out.

And the most alive city we saw was Amsterdam, where you could walk forever and see nothing but beautiful canals and architecture, hundreds of restaurants, and literally thousands of people sitting outside at those restaurants enjoying the beautiful fall weather. (And a special thanks to our friends “W” and “N” for their great hospitality.)

But now we’re home, and that’s swell too.

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I bet you’ve missed Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, haven’t you? Well here you go.

Title: Little Lion Man
Artist Mumford and Sons

The Bordeaux and Labia Majora Regions of France: Spectacular!

At least that's what I've heard. We didn't get there, but we spent a nice evening in Colmar in the eastern part of the country. And tonight we're staying in a little town overlooking the Rhine. Sweet.

I Don't Care How Highly It Comes Recommended, I Simply Will Not Order "Der Brownen Schtoola"

Me? I'm more of a schnitzel kind of a guy.

Venice's Grand Canal - Is It Really That Grand?

Well we're in Venice, a beautiful city of canals. You may have heard of it. They call their biggest, or main canal, the "Grand" Canal. It's quite nice, impressive even, but I don't think I'd go so far as to call it the Grand Canal. To me, the grandest canal of all is the birth canal. Think about it - what's grander than that? So frankly, I think it's a little presumptuous of Venetians to refer to their canal that way. But I'm a visitor and I didn't want to make a big stink of it. But I did think my point was interesting and valid enough to share with others that we're on our gondola ride. Now many of them didn't speak English, so to communicate my point I spoke very slowly and loudly, I exaggerated the way I enunciated my words, and I used many hand gestures to show what I was trying to get across. But judging from the silence and odd looks my efforts were received with, my gondola seat mates must have been a little slow. A lot of effort on my part went for naught.

Ciao.

Two Austrian Goats Copulate in Worst Sex Show Ever

Well, we're in Europe. My original plan had been to title this post "Ich Bin Ein Frankfurter," since we flew into Frankfurt and I thought it'd be kind of amusing to paraphrase President Kennedy from some 50 years ago. But it turned out it really wasn't all that amusing. We spent last night in Rothenburg, Germany which was settled in like the 1100's. Are you shitting me? Today we drove our rental Opel Miriva down to Roetta, Austria which is in the Alps. Here, say it with me: Roy-tuh. There you go.

Anyway, we checked into our hotel and went out onto our balcony, and it turns out there's a goat farm right out there. One of them looks just like the goat I featured a few posts back, before the tattoos and piercing. Right after we got out there, a couple of them started answering nature's call. Welcome to Austria and the Alps. In fairness to the Austrians, it did get Vulva a little revved up. But she's always had a bit of an agricultural bent, so that's what I attribute that to.

That's it for now. I'll try to check in again in a day or two.

Hey Duncan, Can You Say Pie?

I sure can, thanks for asking!

Just so you know, 'cause I'm sure you want to, Vulva and I are taking off this evening for a two-week European vacation. I want to see for myself what this whole "Europe thing" is all about. I can't promise, but I'll try to drop a post now and again. Buh-bye.

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Our plane is scheduled to take off at 7:20 this evening, so I think of it as the "7:20 Special." Unfortunately there's no song of that title that I could find for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, but this one's in the ball park.

Title: Midnight Special
Artist: Creedence Clearwater Revival

A Single Space Separates The Phrases "Liberate The Masses," and "Liberate Them Asses"

Think about it! I know I have. One could be a civilization changing call to action, while the other, something likely a little less. It’s too important to take lightly. That’s why I’m sending reminders to all my elected representatives and revolutionary friends. Watch your spacing! I’m telling ‘em. Your friend, Duncan. I think it's the least I can do.

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It’s been very nice where I live this September, very nice. Swell in fact. Which leads us to Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Falling Slowly
Artist: The Swell Season

If You Put Me In a Small Room With An Otter, a Beaver, and Rick Perry, I’d Ask You Just What The Hell You Think You’re Doing

If you then served a nice breakfast, I’d be less mad, but still puzzled. What’s he got up his sleeve I’d be asking myself. If the door then opened up, and the otter walked out and the Pope walked in, that’s about the time I’d bail because at that point, clearly, “something’s up.” Capiche?

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I like this song and I like Coeur d’Alene, so this is Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Coeur d’Alene
Artist: The Head and the Heart

It Works On So Many Different Levels

It was my turn to cook dinner last night, and I decided on stir-fry. Usually when I do stir-fry, I use chicken, but something got into me – I suppose it could have been the liquor – and I decided to go with pork for a change. So Vulva and I were at the grocery store buying what we needed, and when we got to where the pork was, there was a sign saying that the pork loins were “buy one, get one free.” Of course that was only for “club members,” but I always carry my card with me so I was good to go, and so two-for-one it was. As we got into the car I said to Vulva, “we bought a lot of pork today, a lot of pork …. I’m usually not surprised at the amount of pork we buy, but today I was.”

I have a bad tendency to way-too-easily amuse myself, but I have to admit I found this pretty darned funny, and even Vulva cracked a little smile. First-time readers would no doubt think something along the lines of “huh … excuse me … am I missing something?” Well, it goes back to a prior post – two of them actually because the first one was so good it deserved a repeat – involving seeing a lot of birds … a lot of birds. It was so stupid the first time. It’s delightful to realize it has so much broader applicability.

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Back to James Taylor for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, ‘cause, well, the guy can sing.

Title: You Can Close Your Eyes
Artist: James Taylor

When Meeting Someone New

Almost always, after meeting someone for the first time, people will say to me something like it was “nice” to meet me, or that it was “very nice” to meet me, or that they were “pleased” to meet me or that it was “a pleasure” to meet me.” Again, this happens almost every time. Really: almost every time! I don’t like to toot my own horn (outside of a sexual context), but I have to admit, it makes me think that I must be pretty fuckin’ special.

* * * * *

I’m not saying Alexi Murdoch has woven himself into our hearts, or into the fabric of American life. But he’s here with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day, and that’s a start.

Title: All My Days
Artist: Alexi Murdoch

Thad of Iron Gulch: Boy Howdy

And yes, the story’s every bit as compelling as the title. Every bit! Lady Margaret Boots Mulbury has penned a true classic.

[Insider tip: Lady Margaret Boots Mulbury may be a pseudonym.]

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As a “little lover boy” myself, I have special appreciation for this song, which just so happens to be Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Pride and Joy
Artist: Stevie Ray Vaughan

For My Part, There’s Only One Orifice I Like to Blow Bubbles Out of

And I bet most folks agree with me. If America’s gum-makers would just accept that, I bet they could reduce their research and development costs by a tidy amount, thereby reducing the cost of a pack of gum, which, duh, yeah, you guessed it, would lead to increased sales. Come on people, let’s get this economy rolling!

* * * * *

A big howdy-doo to Scars on 45, here with Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Give Me Something
Artist: Scars on 45

I Haven’t Tinkled Since I Was Five Years Old

Males, if they’ve got their socks on right, don’t tinkle once they’ve passed the little boy stage. We whiz, we piss, we pee, we take a leak, we urinate, and yes, sometimes we funnel our mules or show Percy the sites. But we never tinkle. I just wanted to put that out there. Carry on.

* * * * *

Displaying some impressive number counting abilities, we have The Decemberists for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: Rox in the Box
Artist: The Decemberists

A Speeding Ticket, Damn

Yes I got a speeding ticket. Fish farts!

Vulva and I were driving along the freeway when I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw those dreaded blue flashing lights. I pulled over, and when the officer came up to my window and told me he had clocked me going eight miles over the limit, I patiently explained that Vulva had been passing gas – through her anus no less! – and I was simply trying to out-drive the smell. But he acted as though he had heard that excuse a million times before, and was having none of it.

To top it all off, not only did I get a $124 ticket, after the officer left Vulva verbally accosted me, saying that I had embarrassed her by claiming she had been the gas purveyor when in fact in had been me. Once again I was in the position of having to patiently explain to her that while, yes, I may have been the actual culprit, there was simply no way the officer would believe that, and so I had no choice but to present it in a way that would sound at least somewhat plausible. Although she grew quiet, I like to think that she eventually realized that I had a compelling argument. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. All I know is there was no dunking or funking in Duncan Town last night. Fish farts.

* * * * *

Quick, quick, quick like a monkey I said to Adam, give me a suggestion for Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day. And here it is.

Title: Lost in the Flood
Artist: Bruce Springsteen

“I Got the Clap and The Blue Balls Too. The Clap Don’t Hurt, But the Blue Balls Do.” [Aristophanes, circa 412 BC]

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Am I right on this, or am I right?

* * * * *

Vulva and I were driving through Oregon yesterday, and stopped at a place that was having a birthday bash for Jerry Garcia. The group that was playing didn't play this song, but it's one of my favorites so it's our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.

Title: I Need A Miracle
Artist: Grateful Dead



(Ummm … for the record, I’m making this up. I don’t really think Aristophanes said this. But it’d be pretty funny if he did, that’s for sure.)