A new study, conducted by yours truly, has found that up to half of all sex is unnecessary. How ‘bout that!
In all honesty, the study probably didn’t involve the same level of rigor as most of my social research, but it has been peer-reviewed and that’s important. Well, it’s kind of been peer reviewed. I let my neighbor Otto Fibbs take a look at and he said it looked pretty good to him. (Not that I really consider Otto to be a peer, mind you, but in this context, what they hell.)
Anyway, here’s what I did. I went to the mall and I asked a bunch of people this question: thinking back to the last time you had sex, was that really necessary? Now most people declined to participate in our survey, but of those that did, four said that it absolutely was necessary (with one person saying “oh God yes!"), and four said no way was it necessary. The ninth person, a woman probably in her late twenties, kept going back and forth. “Yes it was necessary, absolutely. … no, no, it really wasn’t, I was just trying to get back at my ex-boyfriend … well no, actually it was ‘cause I really needed affirmation … well no, I don’t know … maybe …” Finally after a couple of minutes of her back-and-forth I just politely said something like “oh for chrissakes” and I walked away. So that’s why I have to characterize our study results as “up to” half.
But it’s still pretty interesting, huh? Up to half. I’ll be darned.
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Whether your next time be necessary or not, you may want some accompaniment and what better than Our Duncan Funk Song of the Day.
Title: Unchained Melody
Artist: Righteous Brothers
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